hey everyone, it's sleepy nick!
before i begin the actual topic of the post, i'd like to comment on how happy i am with this website. i really don't think i could've chosen a better framework to help me learn the basics of HTML, and i definitely wouldn't have come across the recommendation if i didn't ditch discord in the first place. i can't wait to see what my blog posts look like in the future; even if nobody reads these, i'm happy to dump my thoughts into a repository that i can stylize myself. at points, i do feel like i'm fighting the three furies from greek mythology (modernized into html, css, and javascript). the reward is definitely worth it, though.
also, this post may come off more unfiltered than my last because i spent most of the day working on the website. a few changes include linking to a new gallery page, adding a watermark in the header, and adding a hoverable menu in said header for when the width of the window gets too narrow for the page links to be displayed properly. i'm happy with these developments, but damn; learning how to implement these features were exhausting. take everything ahead with a grain of salt.
with that said, i feel like the outside world has become more negative, more insensitive, more hostile since my teen years. maybe it's the news being constantly shoved in my face, or it could be the general sample of people i've worked with in my retail job. could it be my recent exposure to the general public that makes me think this, or is this observable in nature?
i'm taking a few minutes to reflect on this question as i write this post. if this hostility has increased, how would i know? the former point in the question only provides a sample of 1-2 years at best whereas i want evidence across a decade. sure, there likely exists a multitude of studies examining human behavior across first-world countries, but how would i study this through my observations alone?
maybe i could use my prior addiction to twitter as a reference point. i believe i was on it for around 5 years before i finally left the app. for sure, i noticed a shift in the culture around my departure: tweets shifted from funny media and jokes to people shouting at one another over some arbitrary opinion that may have just been created for attention. if the general public continues using the site, this behavior might project towards person-to-person interaction, which concerns me.
even then, this is still murky to me. all i know is that there's a lot of hate in the world to drown in. instead of that, i want to focus more on helping others smile. i want to focus on love.
i still think about how one of my discord friends explicitly stated to me that they were trying to be more nice to their friends. while i didn't realize their initial efforts, i recalled feeling better in calls with them when they were doing so. of course, it's fun to be jokingly mean to friends, but there definitely is a line that can be crossed. i have learned that the hard way, both in giving and receiving that behavior. however, the nice part of being nice is that it's easier to identify one being "too" nice. there isn't really a hard limit to smiling, bringing your friends up, helping them, and generally being with them.
watching someone laugh or smile because of my antics makes me really happy. i want to help my friends be happy, at least for the time being. i don't know why, but it feels easy for me to screw that up. i don't think this is true, though: if people had an issue with my behavior, i would hope i'd have created an environment such that they can comfortably talk to me about it. i realize that not everything is sunshine and rainbows, but i want to build my spirit to tackle tough times. i want to help others do the same. my friends are unique, powerful individuals who all contribute in helping improve humanity. allow me to aid them in their journey and to express gratitude in their work.
that's all about platonic love, though. you may wonder: what about romantic love?
romance? what a funny joke!
it's been really hard for me to grasp the concept of romantic love, let alone exhibit it. as i live in a very rural province, there hasn't been many people i talk to that just so happen to be gay. i feel like i have to find someone to love romantically in order to be happy. that seems so.. out-of-touch, though. i have a hard time believing that romantic love simply supercedes platonic love in most scenarios. my body certainly does, though, and that's frustrating to me. butterflies, blushes, and stuttering. why must i crush on someone thousands of kilometers away from me? will i form a relationship stronger than my friends? is this someone i want to spend my private life with?
i still have some things to work out in my life. even if i emit strong love towards others, i feel like i still have a long path to travel to loving myself. hell, i should be proud of where i am right now. i'm about to finish university with two degrees, i'm blogging in html and learning js and css, i'm breaking away from corporate evils, i've graduated high school with high honors, and i've made many kids, adults, friends, family members, and exes smile while i achieve great things. yet, i still feel like i need to prove myself worthy. perhaps life is too convoluted for me to fully grasp, but the great part is that i don't have to face it alone. thank you for the support so far.
-ozyximo